Shut Those Slaughter Houses Down and Set the Turkeys Free

On Turkey Massacre Day—formerly known as Thanksgiving—turkeys nationwide are being killed to satisfy the obese hunger of greedy Americans. But is this right? Should these turkeys really be slaughtered to cater to our vision of a perfect Thanksgiving dinner? No! This is evil! This is unjust! From now on Thanksgiving should be spent honoring the lives of the murdered-but very delicious, turkeys. In fact a golden turkey shrine shall be built in the capitol of each state and on that day everyone—and I mean everyone will go on a pilgrimage to the beautiful turkey shrine of their state and pay their respect. There will be a grand dance in which everyone gets on the ground, bob their heads up and down, and flap their wings as they make realistic turkey noises. Towards the end of the dance a king and queen will be chosen; the chosen ones will then have the honor of choosing a young, tender, plump being from the mass of dancers. The chosen hero will be offered to the Gods of the shrine; much like how a turkey is plucked from a farm and sent to the slaughterhouse—expect this is much more fun and meaningful. Imagine the delight of the Turkey Gods to see a nice roasted human being offered to them! But don’t think of this as murder. For years we have been mercilessly hunting down turkeys that it’s only right that we redeem ourselves in this fashion. Besides, there’s always that one annoying useless kid that does nothing but complain and waste oxygen. Well now’s the chance to benefit society! Strange, you may say; but is it really?  However those who decide not to participate on this festive day will be punished. Dragged out of their homes and strung by the neck, these evil-doers will find themselves.  Together the nation will watch as the wretched bodies are soaked in Worcestershire sauce and parade throughout. Behold, the new Thanksgiving!